Enduring hardships creates insecurity in people. An insecurity where their lives are out of control due to circumstances beyond their control which fills them with fear. When this happens they want to create an atmosphere where there is harmony and peace so life can be happy and do so in any way possible. Most of the time this is exhibited in the form of influencing behaviors and events to have a good outcome.
"If I do it then I know it will be done right and if it's done right then no one will get hurt, scared, angry, etc."Let's agree no one likes to feel like life is out of control, that they have no say in how their life is going, or that they can't change things so they are living comfortably. The problem with control starts when it takes over your thinking, when if anything goes wrong everything is ruined, and when it ruins relationships. Control is like a parasite that starts with a small strand (thought or action) and grows rapidly until the host is over come. Control is a perception that things are going smoothly, but in reality we have no control over how smoothly things go...sometimes things just happen...and then what?
When control is lost it usually insights anger because our fear button has been pressed and we feel compelled to protect ourselves from things just happening because when things just happen we get hurt. In the process of trying to take control we usually push people away by blaming others, by saying things we don't mean, and by acting in ways that are unbecoming of ourselves. After the event is done we either feel satisfied that we prevented ourselves from being hurt or we are embarrassed of the mess we created. Sometimes we are oblivious to the dangerous outcomes that have happened or we have hardened our hearts to the pains of others and move on as if it didn't matter.
"Control doesn't heal, it doesn't protect, it only creates a false bubble of security that can be popped at any moment."I'm going to be honest, I struggle with control and I have ruined many relationships because of my inability to adapt to situations, my inability to let go, my inability to...fill in the blank...but I also don't want to get hurt. If I am truly honest, I don't know how to balance the two. I don't want to be controlling, I don't want to get hurt but if I had to choose between the two I would choose the one that wouldn't hurt. So what I do is mask my controlling behavior with generosity. If I am sweet and nice and have a few moments of chaos people will forgive the behavior. It's true for the most part...but doesn't solve anything. The problem is that I have taken the very thing I have no control over, other people and their lives, and tried to control it so that my life runs as I think it should and that never works out well.
"I can't change others, just like they can't change me...it's a personal decision to change and it won't happen if you don't want it to happen."So how do I not have control over things in a world where we are to control so much? We must control our thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5), our bodies (1 Thessalonians 4:4), our words (James 3), our actions (Titus 1:16), how do we not take control of everything?
"The key to giving up all control is trust and trust sometimes feels like a million pounds."I hate the word trust. The song that has been made popular by Disney "Let it go" drives me insane. People use it like it's a five letter word but to me it feels like a million pounds. It's not that I don't want to do these things, it's that you are asking me to open myself up to be vulnerable and when I do that I always get hurt and that is the one thing I run as far away from as possible. I am supposed to place all of my trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understanding and He will make my paths straight according to Proverbs 3:5-6 but what exactly does that mean? What does that look like? What does that feel like? Because to me that looks like vulnerability and feels life fear. Aren't people supposed to earn trust, trust is never just given right? Or is it? Could it be that trust is like love, that it's a choice? Can we just choose to trust people and let them earn not being trustworthy? If I choose to trust rather than taking control does it make my life easier?
"Giving up control and relying on trust takes the pressure to be perfect and produce perfection away allowing peace to remain."But that makes it sound easy...could it be that easy? Honestly, this is something I continue to work on so I don't have all the answers but here is what I do know...Control is an illusion we develop in order to feel secure in a world full of insecurities and uncertainties. What happens when control is lost? Can you change it if you were in control? Control feeds our desire to be wanted, needed, important, desirable, significant, etc. but it does not solve our inability to cope with the wounds we have endured. So here is my advice and something that I am continuously working on...give up, give in, and let God help you.
"Trust, even though it hurts, because if you live life in a safe bubble where you never feel pain you are not truly living you are hiding, and hiding is never as secure as you think it is because you can be found."The reality is that control wraps metaphorical chains around us that tighten our insecurities, that leave us in angst, and loneliness. By letting go of control we open ourselves up to freedom. It is through this freedom that we can find peace, joy, and endurance. It is through trusting that we achieve what we think controlling gives us.
In conclusion I want to apologize. I want to apologize to all those in my life that I have hurt by taking control and being over bearing in an attempt to feel safe and secure. Although I remain a work in progress I have recognized the issue and am working on it. I love deeply and passionately and a lot of times that opens me to being hurt and in an attempt to avoid that pain I control. I control so that I don't have to let people in, so I don't have to let people down, so I don't have to deal with the consequences of things not working out...because I know how they will work out if I am in control. BUT I am tired from always being in control, from always being the strong one, from always carrying the burden. I am learning to trust and it's a rocky road and I may still tend to push people away because I revert back to the "I'm the only one I've ever had" mentality but know this I am trying. I am working on it and I am sorry I hurt you in that process.
